If people could read my mind I would get punched in the face a lot
Seeing a spider isn't a problem. Seeing it disappear is a problem..
I used to draw the sun in the corner of the paper. ALWAYS
That moment when you received a one word text and you were thinking so hard what to reply
Me: "time for a new diet" Me thirty minutes later: PIZZA ICECREAM CAKE AND CUPCAKES
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
I'm such a bad friend when it comes to communication like if you don't try to contact me you won't hear from me for months at a time
That awkward moment when you are alone with someone you just met
I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode
I have unlimited texting but I only text like 3 people
Isn't your first birthday technically your second?
A fridge is a clear example of what matters is on the inside
Google must be a woman, it knows everything
A picture speaks 1000 words but with photoshop it tells 1000 lies
Politeness is so rare that some people mistake it as flirting
How to lose weight: turn your head to the left, then turn it to the right, repeat exercise when offered food
There is no u in awesome but there is me
I'm here on Instagram because my family is on Facebook
Boys lie more, but girls lie better
Twinkle twinkle little star I want to hit you with my car
four words i never want to hear: there is no food
Saying "I'm almost there" means i have not even left the house
I tried being normal worst 10 minutes of my life
H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K - half of my energy wasted on random knowledge
Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds
Teacher: I hope not to see you copying another student's test.
Me: I hope you don't see that either
I have more conversations in my head than in real life
Best memories come from bad ideas
When I have money I don't have anything to buy. When I don't have money I want everything
Rules of math: It seems easy it's wrong
It takes 10 seconds to write a text but 10 minutes to choose an emoji that goes with it
I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste
Dear dreams: stop ending when the good part comes!!
Once I wake up I stay on my phone for like 2 hours
That awkward moment when you still don't understand someone after they have repeated themselves 4 times
When I start to study all the good T.V shows come on
You're not fat, you're just easier to see
I always regret putting my phone on silent when I can't find it
I'm not insulting you.. I'm just describing you
Balloons are so weird "happy birthday here's a plastic sack of my breath"
School: 2+2 = 4
Homework: 2+4+2 = 8
Exam: juan has 4 apples his train is seven minutes early, calculate the sun's mass
Listening to someone telling a story thinking... lie lie lie lie lie
I constantly check my phone for no reason
If women say all men are the same, why do they take their time to choose
Our phones fall we panic, our friends fall we laugh
shower - place of decision making
restarting the song because you missed your favorite line
Dear math, I don't want to solve your problems I have my own problems
People think sorry is a magic eraser
Need to end a conversation? "oh shit, i have to go, my goldfish is drowning!"
OMG, I hate her...
= instant best friends
These days, losing your phone is like losing your life
Teacher: why are you late to class?
Student: you're lucky I came to school
My room may be a mess but I know where EVERYTHING is
I wish exercising was as easy as eating
Everybody starts caring when it's too late
Fake friends tell you pretty lies, real friends tell you the ugly truth
Feels like time goes by so slow when you are waiting for something
I hate waiting an entire week to watch the next episode of my favorite show
On a math test: 2+2= ?
me: uses calculator just in case
Sleep is my drug, me bed is the dealer, my alarm is the police
My phone screen is brighter than my future
Twenty years ago we had Steve jobs, Johnny cash and Bob hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope, please don't let Kevin bacon die
Hides good snacks from family members
Sorry, I'm poor I can't afford to pay attention
"I'm fine" never actually means "I'm fine"
I believe in hate at first sight
That awkward moment when the dictionary definition is more confusing than the word
How am I supposed to lose weight when the best part of life is food
Can i download money?
Sleep is for the people who don't have internet
Birthdays then: look at all those presents
Birthdays now: look at all those notifications
If I reply to your one word text.. Just know you're